My 2004 Film Awards
By Nareg Torosian
“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”
An uncommonly intelligent and heartfelt look at why good relationships go bad
and why bad relationships can be good, Charlie Kaufman’s complex script
is brought to stunning life by Michel Gondry’s virtuoso directing.
Runner-up: “Sideways”
How can a buddy road movie become one of the biggest critics’ darlings
of the year? Only when it’s as transcendent as this one.
Honorable Mentions: “Million Dollar Baby,”
Clint Eastwood’s rough-hewn tale of loss and redemption; “Kill
Bill: Vol. 2,” the superb finale to Quentin Tarantino’s
action saga; and “Vera Drake,”
Mike Leigh’s emotionally devastating look at the treatment of abortion
in 1950’s England.
“Touching the Void”
In yet another fantastic year for documentaries, Kevin Macdonald’s harrowing
mountain climbing tale topped them all. In 1985, two young, adventurous mountaineers
– Joe Simpson and Simon Yates – decided to climb the treacherous
Siula Grande in Peru. The ascent went smoothly, but the descent was anything
but, as the climbers fought violent snowstorms, severe dehydration, and broken
bones to try to make it home alive. And this was before Yates inadvertently
lowered Simpson over a chasm and cut the rope that connected them. Combining
present-day interviews with the two men with true-to-life (and vividly cinematic)
reenactments of their frightening journey, this doc tells an unforgettable story
in an unforgettable way.
Runner-up: “Tarnation”
11 years in the making and created with Apple video-editing software for just
over $200, Jonathan Caouette’s deeply personal documentary uses the film
medium as therapy and confessional. Combining home videos, answering machine
messages, family photos, and video diary entries, Caouette reflects on his troubled
childhood and his relationship with his schizophrenic mother. “Tarnation”
is a testament to how a low budget cannot harness artistic quality or imagination.
Honorable Mentions: “Fahrenheit 9/11,”
Michael Moore’s incendiary outburst against the Bush administration, and
the best of the Dubya-bashing docs of 2004; “Metallica:
Some Kind of Monster,” an intimate and strangely poignant
look at the band’s therapy sessions from the documentary team that created
“Brother’s Keeper” and “Paradise Lost”; “Control
Room,” Jehane Noujaim’s galvanizing look at the
Arabic news network Al-Jazeera; “Super Size
Me,” which despite its duh premise (fast food will make
you fat) proves to be enormously entertaining; and “The
Yes Men,” a hilarious and cautionary piece of tomfoolery
that follows two actors impersonate a pair of WTO executives to show the oblivious
nature of globalization.
“Maria Full of Grace”
There have been plenty of films about drugs and drug trafficking, but rarely
are they as fascinating and dramatically potent as this gem. Eschewing TV-movie-of-the-week
clichés and adopting an unadorned neorealist approach, Joshua Marsten’s
film follows a Columbian teenager (an astonishing Catalina Sandino Moreno, in
her acting debut) as she gives up her low-paying factory job for being a drug
mule to support her family. It also boasts the most stomach-churningly intense
sequence of the year, when Moreno faces complications in an airplane bound for
the U.S.
Runner-up: “Bad Education”
Following up on his Oscar-winning “Talk to Her,” Pedro Almodovar
gives us his most intricate and personal film to date – a homoerotic film-noir-within-a-film-noir
that confronts sexual misconduct in the Catholic Church, political corruption
in fascist Spain, and the director’s own tortured adolescence.
Honorable Mention: “House of Flying Daggers,”
Zhang Yimou’s visually sumptuous martial arts saga.
Paul Giamatti – “Sideways”
He portrayed Harvey Pekar brilliantly last year in “American Splendor,”
and now with “Sideways” Giamatti has cemented his place among the
upper echelon of today’s actors. As a depressed intellectual with a propensity
for wine, Giamatti injects his character with a warmth, humor, and naturalness
that is increasingly difficult to find.
Runner-up: Jaime Foxx – “Ray”
& “Collateral” Who would’ve thought that
the guy who did “Booty Call” would be one of the leading Oscar contenders
of the year? He served as the heart and soul in two films that couldn’t
be more different: In “Collateral,” he portrayed an emotionally
torn cabbie sucked into a predicament of existential implications, while in
“Ray,” he immersed himself into the role of Ray Charles in a fierce
performance that goes well beyond mimicry.
Honorable Mentions: Liam Neeson,
commanding as the real-life sex researcher Alfred Kinsey in “Kinsey”;
Mario Van Peebles, who channels
the spirit of his father and delivers a definitive portrait of an uncompromising
artist in “Baadasssss!”; Kevin
Bacon, delivering a career-best performance as a recovering
pedophile in “The Woodsman”; Jim
Carrey, delivering his strongest and most nuanced performance
yet in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”;
Jeff Bridges, proving yet again
why he’s one of the best character actors around in “The
Door in the Floor”; Don Cheadle,
given the leading role of a lifetime in “Hotel Rwanda”;
Clint Eastwood as a man consumed
by guilt and his inner demons in “Million Dollar Baby”;
Leonardo DiCaprio, capturing the
exuberant highs and torturous lows of Howard Hughes in “The Aviator”;
Sean Penn, giving us another emotionally
intense performance as a man planning “The Assassination of Richard
Nixon”; Bill Murray,
portraying another man in midlife crisis with his trademark wit in “The
Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou”; and Robin
Williams, shedding his funnyman image once again for “The
Final Cut.”
Imelda Staunton – “Vera Drake”
Better known for her bit parts in large ensemble casts (“Peter’s
Friends,” “Sense and Sensibility,” “Shakespeare in Love”),
Staunton finally received top billing in “Vera Drake” and delivered
a masterful, heartrending performance. As a cheery housewife who performs abortions
in mid-1950’s London, Staunton could have portrayed the eponymous character
as a strong-willed feminist icon, but instead made her a naïve human being
who is completely unsuited to handle the consequences of her charitable intentions.
Runner-up: Nicole Kidman – “Birth”
With each role, Kidman is proving herself more and more as an actress rather
than just a movie star, and “Birth” is the feather in her cap. As
a young widow who is so consumed with the memory of her dead husband that she
eventually believes that a ten-year-old boy is his reincarnation, Kidman carries
the film on her lithe shoulders and imbues her role with a quality that few
actresses could pull off – believability.
Honorable Mentions: Hilary Swank,
remarkable as a country gal with a lot to fight for in “Million
Dollar Baby”; Kate Winslet
as the spunky object of affection in “Eternal Sunshine of the
Spotless Mind”; Neve Campbell,
stunningly sexy and manipulative as the femme fatale in the sleeper “When
Will I Be Loved”; Uma Thurman,
giving us the best female action character since Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley
in “Kill Bill: Vol. 2”; Julie
Delpy, so sensual and cerebral in “Before Sunset”;
and Annette Bening, donning a
creditable British accent and diva-like attitude in “Being Julia.”
Thomas Haden Church – “Sideways”
Playing a role eerily close to real life, former TV actor Church (“Wings,”
“Ned & Stacy”) is endearingly dense as Paul Giamatti’s
washed-up actor friend whose outrageous antics provide the perfect contrast
to Giamatti’s strait-laced personality. But Church’s character is
not just a sexually charged buffoon – just look at his helpless plea (delivered
naked, at that) to his best friend in their hotel room.
Runner-up: Clive Owen – “Closer”
His previous high-profile roles in cult British gangster flicks (“Croupier,”
“I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead”) and misbegotten American
projects (“Beyond Borders,” “King Arthur”) haven’t
shown Owen as an actor of range, but his breakout role in “Closer”
amends that. He displays a charm and intensity that has been lacking in his
previous efforts, and he nearly walks away with the movie in the process.
Honorable Mentions: Peter Sarsgaard,
proving himself one of hottest indie actors around with his roles in “Kinsey”
and “Garden State”; David
Carradine, delivering his dialogue with slimy relish in “Kill
Bill: Vol. 2”; Mark Wahlberg,
hilarious as a nihilistic firefighter in “I Heart Huckabees”;
Morgan Freeman, giving another
understated, magnetic performance as a former fighter in “Million
Dollar Baby”; former “Daily Show” correspondent Steve
Carrell for his deliriously funny weatherman in “Anchorman:
The Legend of Ron Burgundy”; Chris
Cooper, whose mangling of the English language as a Dubya-inspired
gubernatorial candidate is the best reason to see “Silver City”;
and Freddie Highmore for a surprisingly
natural and unaffected performance in “Finding Neverland.”
Natalie Portman – “Closer” &
“Garden State” 2004 was a career-defining year for
Portman, announcing her graduation from ingénue roles and the beginning
of her acting career as an adult. In “Garden State,” she was disarming
as a vivacious but vulnerable girl who brings a second life to Zach Braff’s
character. But she was unforgettable and ravishingly sexy in “Closer”
as a stripper who understands how intimacy – both physical and emotional
– affects those around her.
Runner-up: Cate Blanchett – “The
Aviator,” “Coffee & Cigarettes” & “The Life
Aquatic with Steve Zissou” Blanchett proves once again
why she’s one of the most versatile actresses around with superb performances
in three films. She had a wonderful dual role as a Hollywood actress and her
goth Aussie cousin in the “Cousins” segment of “Coffee &
Cigarettes,” deliciously played Katherine Hepburn without resorting to
caricature in “The Aviator,” and held her own against a flirtatious
Bill Murray as a pregnant journalist chronicling “The Life Aquatic with
Steve Zissou.”
Honorable Mentions: Virginia Madsen,
returning from B-movie purgatory with a sublime performance in “Sideways”;
Laura Linney, heartbreaking as
the title character’s beleaguered wife in “Kinsey”;
Sophie Okonedo, passionate and
vulnerable as an endangered Tutsi in “Hotel Rwanda”;
Sharon Warren, Kerry
Washington, and Regina King
– a trio of terrific actresses in “Ray”;
Meryl Streep for her wickedly
bitchy Senator with ulterior motives in “The Manchurian Candidate”;
and Irma P. Hall, lending a believability
to the otherwise zany proceedings in “The Ladykillers."
Michel Gondry – “Eternal Sunshine
of the Spotless Mind” Gondry cut his teeth on music videos
and commercials before helming features, but with just his second film, Gondry
proves that he stands apart from his cut-happy, MTV-addled peers, displaying
remarkable levels of assuredness and technical virtuosity. More importantly,
he doesn’t let his impressive visuals distract from the story –
instead, they enhance and facilitate it, allowing his actors to integrate with
the effects rather than feel engulfed by them.
Runner-up: Clint Eastwood – “Million
Dollar Baby” Like a fine wine, age has only enhanced Eastwood’s
abilities as a director, and his latest film might be his best directed effort
to date. And like “Mystic River” last year, he saves his knockout
punch for last, delivering a powerful ending that will leave you shaking.
Honorable Mentions: Alexander Payne
for his perfect emotional balancing act that is “Sideways”;
Quentin Tarantino, capping off
his epic serial with gusto in “Kill Bill: Vol. 2”;
Martin Scorsese, finding inspiration
in classic Hollywood epics for “The Aviator”; Mike
Leigh for his powerful period piece “Vera Drake”;
Mike Nichols, back at the top
of his game for “Closer”; Sam
Raimi, who brought us one of the best comic book movies ever
with “Spider-man 2”; Jonathan
Glazer, who proves why the close-up can be the most telling
of all shots in “Birth”; Jonathan
Demme for his blazing update of “The Manchurian
Candidate”; Michael Mann
for the gritty action of “Collateral”; and Guy
Maddin, showing why silent movie techniques shouldn’t
fall by the wayside in “The Saddest Music in the World.”
“Sideways” Since Alexander
Payne made this film outside the Hollywood system, he was able to cast the actors
he wanted – that is, actors that can act rather than plug box office receipts.
The gamble paid off brilliantly, as Paul Giamatti, Thomas Haden Church, Virginia
Madsen, and Sandra Oh (who happens to be Payne’s real-life wife) make
their characters so true to life that you couldn’t imagine anyone else
playing them.
Runner-up: The cast of “Closer,”
which was more than game to play musical beds and psychological tag with each
other, and had persona-shedding performances from all involved: a selfish, wan
Jude Law; an emotionally weak and egoless Julia Roberts; a charming, alpha-male
Clive Owen; and a smoldering, manipulative Natalie Portman.
Honorable Mentions: The cast
of “Million Dollar Baby,”
showing Clint Eastwood’s facility with actors both behind and in front
of the camera; “Vera Drake,”
which, like Mike Leigh’s “Topsy-Turvy,” has performances so
convincing that you feel as if you’ve been transported to another time
and place; the excellent cast of “Kinsey”
took the well worn biopic genre and made it as fascinating as its subject; and
the superb adolescent cast of the indie coming-of-age drama “Mean
Creek.”
“The Stepford Wives”
Rumors of the movie’s troubled production leaked into the press months
before it premiered – Nicole Kidman was unhappy with the script; Matthew
Broderick and Better Midler threw on-set tantrums; Christopher Walken threatened
to quit the shoot; the shooting schedule ballooned from three months to eight;
director Frank Oz did not get along with anybody and had to shoot new material
(including two alternate endings) up until the flick’s premiere –
and that all showed in this dismal remake, which despite some good comedic zingers,
also wasted the talents of Glenn Close, Jon Lovitz, and Roger Bart.
Runner-up: “Along Came Polly”
It’s bad enough that Ben Stiller repeatedly plays the same uptight “comic”
persona in Farrelly-lite crap like this, but this time around, he drags Jennifer
Aniston, Debra Messing, Hank Azaria, and the otherwise superb Alec Baldwin and
Philip Seymour Hoffman with him.
Dishonorable Mentions: “Envy,”
which sat on a shelf for two years before being squeaked into release and for
good reason – it looks like an awful, feature-length sitcom pilot with
Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Christopher Walken, Rachel Weisz, and Upright Citizen’s
Brigade’s Amy Poehler; “The Alamo”
for trapping Dennis Quaid, Billy Bob Thornton, and Jason Patric in a pedestrian
script and even worse costumes; and two lackluster crime capers – “The
Big Bounce” and “After
the Sunset” – that collectively reduced the likes
of Owen Wilson, Morgan Freeman, Charlie Sheen, Salma Hayek, Woody Harrelson,
Pierce Brosnan, and Don Cheadle, among others.
“Finding Neverland”
The kind of middlebrow, manipulative claptrap that is described by critics as
“magical” and “heartwarming,” Marc Forster’s telling
of the life of “Peter Pan” author J.M. Barrie is so lightweight
and tonally inconsistent that it evaporates from the memory as soon as the ending
credits start to roll. Johnny Depp is fine, and Freddie Highmore is a genuine
find, but Dustin Hoffman and Julie Christie ring in hollow, one-note performances,
and Kate Winslet is relegated to disease-of-the-week melodrama. I’m sure
Michael Jackson loved it.
Runner-up: “Shrek 2”
When asked by “Time” magazine to explain the difference between
Pixar and its rivals, “The Incredibles” director Brad Bird replied,
“Pixar films are personal passion projects. They are not concocted by
a focus group or somebody saying this latest trend is important.” Nowhere
is that more evident than the needless “Shrek 2,” which, other than
a great vocal turn by Antonio Banderas, seems tired, facile, and focus-grouped
to death.
Dishonorable Mentions: Unlike
the characters of Wes Anderson, Todd Solondz, and Jim Jarmusch, the titular
“Napoleon Dynamite”
is of the idiotic, stereotypical one-joke variety, which plagues the rest of
the characters in this “comedy;” Steven Spielberg’s well intentioned
but overly schmaltzy “The Terminal”;
“The Polar Express,”
one of the creepiest looking animated films ever made (Dear Mr. Zemeckis, If
you want lifelike human characters in an animated film, why don’t you
just film them in front of blue screens and put in the animation later?); and
the rickety John Irving adaptation “The
Door in the Floor,” which, like “The Cider House
Rules,” is so unsure of what it’s about that it ultimately amounts
to nothing.
“Birth” Critics unjustly
dismissed this film as being pretentious, muddled, and – most insulting
and idiotic of all – preposterous (ummm…it’s a movie about
the supernatural. Would you also criticize “Rosemary’s Baby”
because you would have a hard time believing that Satan impregnated Mia Farrow?).
But intelligent, mature individuals will find much to recommend in Jonathan
Glazer’s sophomore feature: Glazer’s assured direction, equal parts
Kubrick and Godard; Nicole Kidman’s quietly startling performance; Milo
Addica and Jean-Claude Carriere’s superb script, which is so true to the
characters, allowing them to behave exactly as they would in real life if confronted
by the same situation; and Alexandre Desplat’s score, part Philip Glass,
part “Peter and the Wolf,” and the best of 2004. The necessary plot
twists ground the story in harsh realism and changes your outlook on everything.
This has the power to haunt your dreams.
Runner-up: “Baadasssss!”
In 1971, Melvin Van Peebles wrote, directed, scored, and starred in “Sweet
Sweetback’s Baadassss Song,” an X-rated, low-budget film with an
all-black cast that kick-started the blaxploitation genre. Melvin’s son
Mario was 13 at the time the film was released (he even had a small part in
the film), and now, over three decades later, Mario directed and co-wrote this
film, in which he stars as his father. “Baadassss!” chronicles the
financial, social, and personal obstacles Melvin had to surmount to get his
film made, and the result is one of the best films about filmmaking ever.
Honorable Mentions: Shane Carruth’s
“Primer,” a twisted
psychological sci-fi thriller that will be studied by uber-nerds for years to
come; “When Will I Be Loved,”
an insidious, erotic con movie with a terrific lead performance by Neve Campbell;
“I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead,”
Mike Hodges’s hard-boiled gangster revenge drama; David Mamet’s
nail-biting conspiracy thriller “Spartan,”
which features fine work from Val Kilmer, Derek Luke, and William H. Macy; “Never
Die Alone,” a solid gangsta neo-noir with a surprisingly
good performance from DMX; and Disney’s “Home
on the Range,” a Chuck Jones-inspired piece of fun that
sadly marks the end of traditional cel animation at the financially troubled
Mouse House.
“Team America: World Police”
Three words: hardcore marionette sex.
Runner-up: Jude Law and Clive Owen chatting online
in “Closer” Sure, the sex is anonymous and nonphysical,
but I defy anyone to show me a better use of Mozart in a motion picture.
Honorable Mentions: Jason Schwartzman and Isabelle
Huppert having a roll in the mud in “I Heart Huckabees”;
the lesbian scenes between Charlize Theron and
Penelope Cruz in the otherwise forgettable “Head
in the Clouds”; the erotic three-ways
as only Bernardo Bertolucci could film them in the NC-17 “The
Dreamers”; and the now infamous
blowjob scene between Chloe Sevigny and Vincent Gallo in “The
Brown Bunny.”
“Primer” It involves
time travel, engineers, and dialogue like “Are you hungry? I haven’t
eaten since later this afternoon.” Good luck.
Runner-up: “I Heart Huckabees”
Billed as “an existential comedy,” David O. Russell’s fourth
feature is a dense philosophical treatise on the American mindset in a post-9/11
world and one of the most idiosyncratic films to be released by the studio system.
And check out those trippy Schwartzman-in-a-bag visuals!
Honorable Mention: “Eternal Sunshine of
the Spotless Mind,” which takes place almost entirely
in Jim Carrey’s head.
“Alien vs. Predator”
Pointless, brainless, and visually ugly – what else do you expect from
the guy who directed “Resident Evil” and “Mortal Kombat?”
Runner-up: “National Treasure”
Another piece of silly commercial bile from Jerry Bruckheimer with an alternately
bored and exaggerated performance by Nicolas Cage.
Dishonorable Mentions: The passably
entertaining but unquestionably profit-oriented “Shrek
2” and “Ocean’s
Twelve”; and every film listed in the Worst
Sequel category (see below).
“Alexander” This was
a project percolating in Oliver Stone’s mind for years, but when he finally
got the chance to make it, the resulting epic was as deadening as it was ambitious.
Though visually interesting, “Alexander” is a boring, ambiguous
mess, and continues Stone’s critical and commercial slide since 1997’s
similarly disastrous “U-Turn.”
Runner-up: “Vanity Fair”
You would think that Mira Nair (“Monsoon Wedding,” “Salaam
Bombay!”) would be able to put an interesting spin on Thackeray’s
classic novel about the British class system, but despite her best efforts,
this regrettably conventional costume drama is all dressed up with nowhere to
go.
Dishonorable Mentions: The remake
of “The Stepford Wives,”
which seemed rife for the stuff of campy comedy but was horribly mangled in
its execution; two misfires from two undeniably talented filmmakers: Spike Lee’s
overloaded “She Hate Me”
and Michael Winterbottom’s fatally miscast “Code
46”; and Walter Salles’s overrated Che Guevara biopic
“The Motorcycle Diaries,”
which was as whitewashed as your typical Hollywood production.
Remakes aimed at demographics that don’t
remember the original source material Movies like “Garfield:
The Movie,” “Fat Albert,” and “Thunderbirds” are
ostensibly aimed at children, but why would they be drawn to films with characters
whose popularity peaked 10 or even 20 years before they were born? Maybe these
flicks are secretly targeting nostalgia-deficient adults, but it would seem
a little pathetic to see crap like this by yourself, much less paying $10 to
watch it in the theaters. These movies are rarely successful financially, so
why do studios keep making them?
Runner-up: Pop culture references in animated
films Robin Williams’s Genie in “Aladdin”
marked the beginning of this now irritating trend that has plagued the works
of Dreamworks and Fox Animation ever since. Nary can a 10-minute span go by
without a cartoon character dropping names like a third-rate sitcom. This must
stop.
Dishonorable Mention: Princess Mania!
I have nothing against princesses, but when Hollywood is so devoid of ideas
that they release no less than four movies with royal protagonists (“Shrek
2,” “The Prince & Me,” “Ella Enchanted,”
and “The Princess Diaries 2”), two remakes of “Roman
Holiday” (“Chasing Liberty” & “First
Daughter”), and one Cinderella story (the creatively titled “A
Cinderella Story”), something is definitely wrong.
Shane Carruth – “Primer”
Carruth, a former math major turned engineer, scrapped together $7,000 and a
truckload of 16mm film to create a sci-fi flick that would return the genre
to one of ideas rather than special effects. The result is the best example
of resourcefulness and innovation on a meager budget since Robert Rodriguez’s
“El Mariachi.”
Runner-up: Zach Braff – “Garden State”
The dude from “Scrubs” proves himself a more-than-capable director
with his auspicious, quirky debut behind the lens. His keen ear for dialogue
and music and his impeccable visual sense (cinematographer Lawrence Sher’s
compositions rivals the work of Wes Anderson favorite Robert Yeoman) make him
a talent to watch.
Honorable Mentions: Techno-geek
Kerry Conran for creating a pulpy,
dazzling world on Apple computers for “Sky Captain and the World
of Tomorrow,” and Jacob Aaron Estes
for “Mean Creek,” a perceptive, ethically charged,
coming-of-age story.
“Mean Girls” Tina
Fey’s whip-smart script elevated this Lindsay Lohan vehicle to a perceptive,
witty satire of high school social circles and mores. It’s the best high
school flick since “Election.”
Runner-up: “Friday Night Lights”
Though it still has the bone-crushing action and “big game” climax
we expect from football movies, this adaptation of H.G. Bissinger’s best
seller pays an equal amount to attention to character development both on and
off the field.
Honorable Mentions: The critical
and audience responses to Zhang Yimou’s “Hero”
and “House of Flying Daggers”;
and the box office tallies for
“The Passion of the Christ”
($370 million+), “Fahrenheit 9/11”
(nearly $120 million), and “Napoleon Dynamite”
(almost $45 million).
“The Manchurian Candidate”
A return to form for Jonathan Demme, who had previously helmed the disastrous
“Charade” remake “The Truth About Charlie,” this excellent
interpretation of John Frankenheimer’s 1962 classic updates the paranoid
thriller for a new age, without directly copying any sequences from the original.
Runner-up: “Dawn of the Dead”
Though it removed the social commentary that added an insidious nether layer
to George A. Romero’s original, the updated “Dawn” provided
plenty of shocks and entertainment value.
Honorable Mentions: “The Ladykillers,”
the Coen brothers’ ribald but very worthy take on the 1955 British classic;
“Starsky and Hutch,”
an in-name-only remake of the popular 1970’s cop show, with great chemistry
between Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson; and “Around
the World in 80 Days,” a lightweight but charming entertainment
that easily matches the feathery Oscar-winning original.
“The Phantom of the Opera”
By far the worst film of 2004, this horrid piece of bombastic, tacky spectacle
is the visual equivalent of a major traffic accident, though it should please
the tasteless and romantically starved fans who blindly worship at the cacophonous
altar of Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Runner-up: “Garfield: The Movie”
Did the people who make this film have any idea what Garfield is all about?
Man, I’m too upset about this to continue – it’s so depressing.
Dishonorable Mentions: The aforementioned
“The Stepford Wives”;
the well intentioned but bland “Fat Albert”;
“Shall We Dance,”
an awful remake of the charming 1995 Japanese movie; the unfortunately titled
and poorly executed “The Grudge”;
“Walking Tall,” a
limp remake of the 1973 vigilante B-movie, though it does involve the opening
of several cans of whoop-ass; the pointless rehash of “The
Flight of the Phoenix,” which is surprisingly faithful
to the original but is woefully miscast (Sticky Fingaz? Come on!); and the curiously
Supermarionation-free “Thunderbirds.”
“Kill Bill: Vol. 2”
The finale to Quentin Tarantino’s epic action saga is a cinematic fever
dream packed with the colorful characters, dazzling action sequences, and florid
dialogue (dig David Carradine’s Superman monologue) that we have come
to expect from Q.T.
Runner-up: “Spider-man 2”
The rare sequel that outclasses the original, the second film in the “Spider-man”
saga serves as the gold standard for all other comic book movies to follow.
Honorable Mentions: “Before Sunset,”
the lushly romantic follow-up to the night Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy spent
together nine years prior in “Before Sunrise”; “The
Bourne Supremacy,” the slick sequel to “The Bourne
Supremacy”; and “Harry Potter and
the Prisoner of Azkaban,” which under the direction of
Alfonso Cuaron (“Y Tu Mama Tambien”), shifts the franchise into
a darker direction.
“Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason”
That the entire premise of the first (and much better) film is rehashed plot-point-by-plot-point
here is bad enough, but the bizarre scene of Bridget leading her Thai prison
inmates in a “Like a Virgin” sing-along is offensive enough to put
this at the top (or is it bottom?) of this category.
Runner-up: “The Whole Ten Yards”
The first film was a repetitive and hugely overrated feature-length sitcom,
but it looks like a masterpiece when you compare it to this poorly conceived
embarrassment.
Dishonorable Mentions: Take your
pick: “Meet the Fockers,” “The
Chonicles of Riddick,” Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement,” “Scooby-Doo
2: Monsters Unleashed,” “Resident Evil: Apocalypse,” “Blade:
Trinity,” “Exorcist: The Beginning,” “Anacondas: The
Hunt for the Blood Orchid,” “Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights,”
“Barbershop 2: Back in Business,” “Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination
London,” “Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2,”
and “Seed of Chucky.”
Hilary Duff – “A Cinderella Story”
& “Raise Your Voice” The only thing worse than
Duff’s computer-enhanced “singing” is her insufferable attempts
at acting, and only those who have never seen motion pictures before could possibly
find any entertainment value in this cornpone formulaic pap.
Runners-up: Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen –
“New York Minute” I need not explain this further.
Dishonorable Mentions: Robert De Niro,
who will probably never be taken seriously again after “Godsend”
and “Meet the Fockers”; Ben
Affleck, continuing his critical plummet with “Jersey
Girl” and “Surviving Christmas”;
and Ashton Kutcher for trying
to show his “range” in “The Butterfly Effect.”
M. Night Shyamalan – “The Village”
Shyamalan’s inexplicably popular thrillers have become as gimmicky as
a Barnum & Bailey sideshow, only not as much fun and devoid of humor, and
with “The Village,” he hits rock bottom. Its muddled attempts at
allegory, laughably piss-poor script (a Shyamalan standard – he’s
the worst screenwriting director this side of James Cameron), telegraphed twists,
and reliance on the tried-and-true staples of a blind girl and a village idiot
to generate cheap thrills once again prove that Shyamalan is a master of the
superficial – not the supernatural.
Runner-up: Garry Marshall – “Raising
Helen” & “Princess Diaries 2” Just what
the world needs: More bland, inoffensive, feature-length sitcom fodder.
Dishonorable Mention: Dreamworks Animation,
using big-name celebrities and adult humor as selling points for “Shrek
2” and “Shark Tale” instead of the
inventive scripts and subtexts that have made Pixar films so enjoyable.
“Team America: World Police”
Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s nihilistic political satire is hilarious
and dead-on in its parody…for about 40 minutes. Then it just tries to
find interesting ways to kill Helen Hunt. It would’ve been better sustained
as a short film rather than a feature.
Runner-up: “The Final Cut”
Omar Naim’s directorial debut has an intriguing premise – in the
future, a computer chip that stores all of our memories is implanted before
birth, and when the host dies, the chip is given to a “cutter” (Robin
Williams) to create a greatest hits of the person’s life to be viewed
at the funeral – but too many subplots and a routine thriller backdrop
dilutes the power that the movie should have had.
Quasi-honorable Mentions: “The Clearing,”
a kidnapping drama with Robert Redford, Willem Dafoe, and Helen Mirren that
starts out strong but can’t follow through, and “Secret
Window,” a Johnny Depp vehicle that has moments of tension
Stephen King would be proud of, but eventually becomes too mediocre for us to
care.
“Exorcist: The Beginning”
Infamous for its well documented production problems, the fourth “Exorcist”
movie was originally to be directed by John Frankenheimer (“The Manchurian
Candidate,” “Ronin”) and starring Liam Neeson as Father Merrin.
But Frankenheimer passed away in 2002, and Neeson promptly left the project.
Then Paul Schrader (“Auto Focus,” “Affliction”) was
hired as the new director, and Stellan Skarsgard filled the shoes left vacant
by Neeson. Schrader completed the film, but the movie studios summarily rejected
it, stating that they wanted more blood-and-guts horror rather than the psychological
turmoil Schrader presented. So Schrader was replaced by hack extraordinaire
Renny Harlin (“Deep Blue Sea,” “Cutthroat Island”),
who was ordered to re-shoot the entire film with Skarsgard. It was this shitty
version that made it to theaters, but in a remarkable move, both Harlin’s
and Schrader’s versions will be made available on DVD on March 1.
Runner-up: “Jersey Girl”
As Kevin Smith notes on his commentary track for the watered-down, PG-13 version
that made it to theaters, the original, longer cut of the movie was focus-grouped
to death and suffered serious “Bennifer” (remember that one?) backlash.
Smith has gone on record with saying that this longer cut is the film he is
most proud of making, and that an undiluted DVD is in the works.
Quasi-honorable Mention: “The Alamo,”
which was originally meant to be an R-rated epic re-teaming Russell Crowe with
director Ron Howard (“A Beautiful Mind”), but turned into a pedestrian
PG-13 flick re-teaming Dennis Quaid with director John Lee Hancock (“The
Rookie”).
“The Butterfly Effect”
It was probably intended to be a mind-bending piece of sci-fi that grappled
with time and identity, but then Ashton Kutcher was cast. A real treat for bad
cinema lovers.
Runner-up: “Suspect Zero”
What could be more contrived than another serial killer movie? How about if
the serial killer is an ex-FBI agent who kills other serial killers! Ben Kingsley
is a delight in his scenery-chewing performance, but Aaron Eckhart, as the agent
hot on his trail, is a joy to watch as he perfectly overplays his inner-turmoil.
Quasi-honorable Mention: “King Arthur,”
if only for Keira Knightley’s immortal line, “Don’t worry.
I won’t let them rape you.”
“Taxi” Queen Latifah
and Jimmy Fallon play second fiddle to a CGI car. Sounds hilarious!
Runner-up: “White Chicks”
The Wayans brothers rehash racial stereotypes while dressed as “Elephant
Man” rejects, as all the other characters in the movie are under the impression
that they resemble actual human beings. Hysterical!
Dishonorable Mentions: “Connie and Carla,”
an uninspired “Some Like It Hot” rehash that thankfully shot down
the chances of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” star Nia Vardalos of having
another successful movie; two painful holiday-themed monstrosities: “Christmas
with the Kranks” and “Surviving
Christmas”; and three more inane flicks in the urban chuckle-fest
sweepstakes: “Soul Plane,” “My
Baby’s Daddy,” and “The
Cookout.”
Political filmmaking Ranging from
Bush-bashing documentaries (“Fahrenheit 9/11,” “Bush’s
Brain”) to studio-backed anti-corporate films (“The Manchurian Candidate,”
“I Heart Huckabees”) to outspoken indies (“Silver City,”
“Kinsey”) to seemingly frivolous comedies (“Team America:
World Police,” the future occupation of Steve Carrell’s character
in “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy”), 2004 featured a renaissance
of issue-driven films unseen since the Vietnam War.
Runner-up: The zombie movie Following
a trend opened by the excellent “28 Days Later” last year, 2004
saw the release of a fine “Dawn of the Dead” remake, the hilarious
British satire “Shaun of the Dead,” and an exhaustive 4-disc release
of George Romero’s original “Dawn of the Dead.” It just makes
you want to shuffle out and yell, “Braaaaiiiiins!”
Honorable Mentions: David Carradine,
delivering the role of a lifetime in “Kill Bill: Vol. 2,”
and Thomas Haden Church and Virginia
Madsen, a pair of underrated actors rescued from TV-moviedom
by “Sideways.”
Kevin Spacey Continuing his over-histrionic,
post-“American Beauty” slide, Spacey dialed in his performance in
the muddled indie drama “The United States of Leland,”
then starred in and directed the vanity project “Beyond the Sea,”
which isn’t a film about Bobby Darin so much as Spacey’s feature-length
audition tape for playing him.
Runner-up: John Travolta Still
looking for another box office hit that will reaffirm his delusions of being
a great actor, Travolta’s contributions to cinema last year included roles
in the ugly comic book adaptation “The Punisher,”
the hackneyed “Ladder 49,” and the terrible Southern
fried drama “A Love Song for Bobby Long.”
Dishonorable Mention: Bruce Willis
desperately milking his previous cash cow by agreeing to appear in “The
Whole Ten Yards.”
And that’s a wrap! If you’ve made it this far, you can send all
praise, questions, comments, and hate mail directly to me.
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